Remorse

A child threw their shoe at me today. Not a pretty big child. To be precise, she just turned three. And somehow, today, I had made her angry enough to have her take her shoe off and chucked it at my back.

I don't even know what to think about it now, though I was absolutely pissed the moment I realized what she did. She was already in time out prior to the shoe throwing. So when she did that and I turned around with a look of anger in my eyes.... man. I don't think I've ever reduced her to uncontrollable sobs that fast. She knew she was in for it. I barely had to do anything or say anything but direct her back to time out. I could barely reprimand her over the hysterical crying emanating from this little kid.

It's funny how a lot of times, I can be just like that little kid. Impulsive to a point of irrationality. Testing my limits without thought to consequence. Until that "Oh shit" moment when you realized just how far you pushed it.

A lot of times, I do that with my relationship too. Letting my own anger get the best of me. Speaking words I don't really mean just to get a reaction, just to push people to a point because if I am upset, then I am beyond the point of caring. I'm an instigator through and through.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a malicious person by nature. But when I'm tired (as I am usually after a stressful day at work), I'm extremely volatile. Uncharacteristic of earthy capricorns.. but i guess i get that from my dad's spanish side. pseudo-drama queen.

Aiya. It's funny just to relate myself to my kids. But maybe I should be aware of that connection so that I could go a little easier sometimes. But then, my easiness usually has then walking all over me.

Oh, in case you wonder about the kid. She sat down on her own will, still crying and my assistant urged her to apologize and she came over and gave me a very wet hug. She is really very sweet. She just has quite the temper. Even after forgiveness, she still cried a good 10 minutes afterwards... though when a kid gets near her, she'd try to whack them. Reminds me of how I still beat myself up over things for eons after the fact and snap at people who get near me during that time. :-\

I hope we both have better days tomorrow.