Thoughts on my return to O'ahu

Just felt the need to share. Warning: this is a bit long.

It's been a month since I left O'ahu. I am finally forcing myself to sit down and write out the turbulence of emotions that overwhelmed me before, during and after. You must think me crazy. Most people don't usually find themselves with chaotic thoughts when thinking of this paradise. After all, O'ahu is part of the beautiful islands of Hawai'i. They are the States' Eden, if you will. However, my hesitant departure two years ago left me unable to close that page.


When I describe leaving my life on O'ahu, I use the imagery of an amazingly wonderful boyfriend that you had to break up with for no reason other than it being the rational/logical thing to do. This boyfriend did nothing to deserve your behavior for he treated you well. He showered your romance with gifts of rainbows, fragrant flowers, singing birds and soothing turquoise oceans. Days alternate between good and bad, yet you find yourself content with life. But due to familial responsibilities and your need to be all Capricorn and rise above your current status, you force your brain to override your heart and on a tearful July afternoon, you bid him farewell.

Heart-wrenching, isn't it? Ever since that day, my head was filled with thoughts of what I left behind. As charming and full of distractions as life can be by New York City, it could never beat a quiet, lazy day on Lanikai or working amidst the mountains of Manoa where I can send my students outside on a bug hunt just because I didn't have any "official" lesson plans that day.

The first year was the hardest. Just looking through my pictures or hearing about my friends there bring me to tears. I tried planning a visit last summer, but the thought of returning broke me down and I had to shut off the computer, putting the trip off indefinitely.

The year after, I managed to function like a normal east-coaster, living my life for work, paying bills and on weekends, going out to the city for gigs or just hanging out with friends at some lounge or mall. But everything here costs money. And every now and then, my thoughts would return to my paradise with free beaches, hiking and other fun things that I could just randomly do. But I managed to bring myself back to reality. After all, my life is in the east now. I had my house to help care for, a job and was accepted to Columbia University for my masters. These were the things I aimed for when I left and it's all coming together.

Still, with all these distractions, I remained discontented with life, like I was missing something vital. When I see my old albums, with pictures of my boyfriend and I at some beach or other, I realized what it was. I missed the islands.

So, finally I managed to make concrete plans to return: August 5. I wrote down all the places I was going to eat at (yes, eat and not things I was going to do haha) and was trying to get excited for it. But as the date loomed closer, the more anxious I became. It was difficult to sleep and even as the plane prepared to land on Honolulu, I was on the verge of tears. When I got to the ground, I was in such a daze that I wondered if I could safely operate a moving vehicle. But once I started driving down Nimitz, I slowly calmed down. The roads were familiar, the shops, the harbor, the trees. They seemed to welcome me back. By the time I picked up my friend from her work, I was very excited again and looking forward for new adventures ahead.

Yes, I know, you think I'm insane for getting so emotional over a city. But this wasn't just any city. This was my city. It was the first place that I really made my own. I was able to become what I wished and do what pleased me without expectations from family and friends (aside from staying alive). [ Asian kids.. you know what I mean by expectations. ] LOL But I was 5,000 miles away and free!

Two days after was when I felt like I was living back there again. I visited old haunts, my former work place and friends. But I also tried new adventures so my week there wasn't just living in the past but making new memories.

The visit seemed to be just the closure I had been craving the last two years. Though I am not fully prepared for the path laid out ahead, I no longer cling to the island as my safe haven and one shot at paradise. I can think of it without being overly melancholy. Yes, I still miss aspects of it, but in a way that a person would remain attached to something valuable. It will always be a place that means a lot for me and maybe someday, I can move back there again.