The Paralysis of Fear

One of the phrases that could be used to describe me is "control freak". Though I can be adventurous and spontaneous enough to move to clear across the country or go parasailing or climb down mountains, there are certain things that make me feel like I have no control over it and frighten me to pieces.

Case in point, yesterday I tried snowboarding. There was a Burton's Women's Center that taught a group of only women, so I figured, hey this should be so bad. The instructor took us 11,000 feet above sea level. Mind you, as for 36 hours before that I was on 32 ft above sea level. Plus had only gotten 4 hours of sleep. Still that feels like such an excuse right now.

Anyway, it was all well and good until we had one foot strapped on and the other had to go on it and we had to go down a slight incline. Then I realized just how slippery it was and started to be more scared than having fun. Still, I did it just fine. However, at the end of those, he had us climb with our snowboard strapped and with all the energy/breath exerted I was starting to feel a bit of altitude sickness as far as shortness of breath and tightness in chest thing. Still I kept going but I didn't have much presence of mind, so at one point I had a really bad fall and he sent me to get lunch before the others.

After I went back, everyone else had already had both feet strapped in at that point. When it was my turn to go down, I was so scared out of my mind that I started crying. He kept assuring me he won't let me fall but the sensation of slipping didn't bode very well for my control freak self.

All in all, I apparently didn't do too badly according to my teacher. Though maybe I am my on worst critic. He said I did them fine, but I just needed the confidence and then I'll do it. And also maybe if I didn't have trouble breathing when I walked around, I can do it.

When did I turn to such a fraidy-cat? But then, I've always been.. technically it's only lessened as I grew older.

Oh well, so now I am faced with a dilemma.. to go back up to this high mountain and try it again or call it quits for now until I get to a mountain with less elevation.