The One Jesus Loves

A couple of years ago, I came upon a book, "What's so amazing about grace?" by Philip Yancey. Not the old plain text version. But this bright yellow covered Visual Edition. What does that mean? So I picked it up.

It began by typing out the words "Amazing Grace" "How sweet the sound"
Then it had "That saved a wretch like me" with mother theresa, "Like me." with a line of old men and women and a line of young children. Then it had some things about Grace before it went to another "Like me" with a picture of a convicted murderer.

Grace is a funny little word that is bandied about by Christians to talk about how God is like and what we get from Him, but I don't think the half of us really know what it means for others and especially for ourselves.

The latter of that I had to examine as I turned the page and was faced with a mirror image of myself. Literally. They put a mirror on the book. Having just woken up, I look like absolute crap. But written underneath was "The One Jesus Loves". It's strange but I started to tear up. Granted I was already on the verge after reading through stories of people people in need of grace and how sometimes Christians get hung up too much on dressing right, using the right words etc. that we forget world hunger, violence, etc. Still yet, the page about "The One Jesus Loves" hit me the most.

It's a strange thing that people wouldn't think or even I wouldn't think about me. But I have a hard time with grace. One of my biggest faults is that I am incapable of making mistakes. Not in the sense that I don't make them. But I don't really know how to make them because of fear. Therefore, I'd either use a preventative method and not do it if I know I'll screw up or feel really absolutely guilty forever and ever about it.

So when I saw myself in the mirror for the one jesus loves.. I couldn't look at myself. I am far from perfect. I am far from being anywhere close to how Jesus is like. I am extremely judgmental and self-serving. I make myself feel better some days by thinking how much better I am than others. And I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. How the hell could I be the one Jesus loves?

I mean, it's so bad enough that in relationships with others, I have the fear that whenever I screw up, they'll just abandon me for someone less screwy. But I know that's not how love works. And because of God's love, technically that's not how He works either. So why can't I view myself the way they see me? Why can't I see that I'm the One Jesus loves?

Psychoanalytic blabber would probably caulk this up to my father leaving or other sad and sordid events in my youth. They might be right. But then again, it doesn't mean it can't be fixed.

I guess this is something I never realized I had to change about me. I sort of did, but it was not to this effect. :-\ Lord, help me to see myself as someone you love. Wretched as I may be, you see beyond that and love me as a human, with my failures. Thank you.

P.S. I highly recommend you get this book, "What's so amazing about grace? by Philip Yancey. If I know you and you wanna check it out, I'll let you borrow it. :)

Click

Finally, I watched Click through its entirety. And let me tell you, I was bawling my eyes out for this one! I knew that it was going to be sad. Everyone who has seen it would always point out that fact when I asked them about it. Considering what I figured the general plot of the story to be, I figured that's the only way it would end. I mean, c'mon. Fast forwarding through life? Any idiot would know it could only end in pain.

Still, even the most genius would still fall into the same trap of idiocy. I mean, take me for example. Yea duh haven't you ever heard of Faye the genius? :-P Okay, so maybe not. But I'd like to think of myself as the sort of person who gets that life is about having your family and relationships above status and wealth gains. Still, there are a lot of moments where I find myself fast-forwarding through life. No, I don't have a special remote. But, especially right now, I'm just looking forward for things to get moving to the part where it's supposed to get interesting. Maybe the part when I got a better job or the part that I'm married or the part when I'm getting my dream home. It doesn't matter. Mostly, things right now, compared to the last 2 years of independence and living life day by day, things... are pretty blah. Nothing unusual. Nothing to brag about. Seemingly, nothing special. Just life at its routine best of eat, work, rest. So my moind sort of zombies out for most of the day, just going from each task to the next. I feel like adam sandler's character a lot when I've finally stopped the fast forward and realize i totally don't remember what I did last week, or yesterday... or today for that matter. Life in auto-pilot.

I guess that's why I decided to watch the movie, even though I knew I'd cry. I'm getting tired of the auto-pilot. And as much as I do watch a fast-forward button, I know I'd regret it. Cuz right now is the last chance I have to live in my old home with my sister and grands. I need to savor this time with them as much as I can. I need to leave work where it needs to stay, at work. WHich I know is hard since I'm a teacher and work comes home.. but I mean more like the drama at my work needs to stay at work. I need to start appreciating this time as a single daughter, sister, granddaughter before I take on the role of wife because I'll be spending more years in that role than in this.

Ah, I think I'm writing on too far. You guys get the picture. So i'll end this. But if you catch me going onto auto pilot again, do me a favor... shake me out of it!!!