Why do I want to be a social worker?

This seems like the simplest question to ask. Especially since this is what I've decided to do my masters in. So why is it that when I sit in front of Microsoft Word, trying to answer this important question, my mind blanks and I can't put anything down!!!

So why do I really want to be a social worker? Well, I think of it this way: everyone has their passion, the thing in life that drives them to be and feel like their life has meaning. It is not necessarily one thing. But everyone has that something. Musicians are driven by music whether it be a love for playing the violin, composing a song or conducting a 100 piece orchestra. They devote time and energy in their craft. They work not only to improve their execution, usually through practice and research of different methods, but also to improve the craft itself by trying new ways of doing things. Like Vanessa-Mae who uses a traditional classical instrument, a violin, to play rock music. Or Linkin Park who combines rap, rock and metal. My passion happens to be helping people. Though I enjoy many other ventures, including music, none of them hold the same reward for me as knowing that I am making a difference in someone else's life. If someone needs something and it's within my capacity, I will do it.

Blah, that's not really a good intro to start an essay. I need to think of more specific things. but my mind is so jumbled up.

Then, why social work and not other kinds of helping professions? I have tried another helping profession: teaching. And honestly, I don't want to stay in teaching anymore. Four years working in preschool and even the most patient person in the world will be up to their limit. Unless it's their calling or their hearts desire, you can only stay long in this field. Don't get me wrong, I love being with the little ones. I enjoy their fresh views on life, their easy smiles, warm and loving personalities. I mostly like knowing that I'm helping not only them, but someone.. their parents to take care and help teach values and basic skills. That pretty much sums up the only things I like to teach. I like teaching them how to help themselves whether it's how they wash hands, how to ask if you can play with a friend, how to give a hug when you hurt someone. I also like singing along with them and reading stories, especially if they are paying attention and answer questions. But that's only a small part of "teaching".

So if not teaching, what other helping profession is there? There's nursing. But I think I've decided a long time ago not to be that... merely because every other Filipina is a nurse! Too late to be a doctor. So, it seems social work it is. After all, the career span can be as broad as I'd like it to be. I know I like working with children and families, yet at the same time I also would like to work in an international capacity, maybe with immigrants. This field can allow for both. I guess we shall see where this leads.

"Nothing gold can stay"

Okay, so maybe in this specific instance, it's not really gold. But I lost the silver Tiffany's ring that my boyfriend gave me for our 1st anniversary. Honestly, when I first saw it, I didn't like it that much. It was all the different things I was expecting. However, after wearing it daily for almost 2 years, it became a part of me, something that was close to my heart and something that reminded me that I was in someone else's. Even now, with it gone, my skin bears an imprint from its weight enclosing my finger. I find myself touching the spot with my thumb to adjust the ring.. only to remember with great remorse that it is gone.

I can't believe that I feel this loss so strongly. It's just a freakin' ring!!!!

But then again, it's not. After that initial reaction, I grew attached to it and all its symbolic connections. What doesn't help the case is the fact and my boyfriend and I have been feeling the long distance shutting off the life in the relationship. Losing the ring feels akin to losing the person who gave it to me. It's especially difficult that he is not around to vent to. But then again, part of the downfall has been our lack of meaningful conversation. :-\

I'm probably making a big deal out of this. But I get attached so easily. And when there is a change or a loss, it takes a while to get used to.

The worst part is that I've been racking my brain the last 2 days.. wondering how it could have fallen off! And no, I did not take it off because the only times it's off were during the paraffin wax dip for therapy and applying sunblock. I've been so distracted lately that I don't even remember the last time I noticed it on my hand. It could be anywhere. :(

Spiral Woman

A couple of weeks ago, I spent a rainy Sunday afternoon with two friends at the Guggenheim Museum in NYC. There were main works there from two artists, Louise Bourgeois and Catherine Opie. Both very talented, especially in creating works that disturbed the mind (take that as you will for good or bad). I have to admit that many of Louise Bourgeois' creations went over my head or failed to interest me. Though there were a couple, especially "The Destruction of a Man" - a depiction of children dismembering and eating their father created as a reaction to her father having an affair - that made an impression. The one that really hit me was a hanging sculpture called "Spiral Woman".

It's visual simplicity was deceiving. But reading the placard beside it allowed me to look at this in a different light. The note questioned whether this spiral wrapped around her was really as malicious as we may first think. Is the spiral something that is constricting her as she attempts to break free or is it supporting her so she would not fall?

That question can be used for many things regarding life. The day I viewed it, I used it in the topic of relationship. And instead of answering with one or the other, I wondered if it could be both. They say that there are people who are in relationships because they just can't seem to be alone. Even if they are in a relationship that chokes the life out of them, they will stay trapped because without it, their life would fall apart. Being with that person keeps them sane. Such irony can exist.

Sometimes I feel like that spiral woman. Though not because I am in a relationship that chokes the life out of me. At least not in that negative sense. In general, as a human being, your mind goes through many possibilities in a day of what the future could hold and what is the best course of action for happiness. And even in happy and stable relationships, people would every now and then entertain an idea that perhaps being in this is preventing them from going off and doing something else. Though at the same time, they realize the importance of said relationship in their life, therefore keeping them beside the other, for better or worse.

I guess that's the big lesson in commitment. Learning that it's about sticking through the good times when you question nothing and the hard times when you question everything. Who knew viewing Louise Bourgeois would be an entire self-help book?

=)

There's a couple of pieces by Cathering Opie that I'd like to comment on, but I shall save that for next time...

Joys of PMS

All we ever hear about PMS are epithets of how much it sucks. And indeed it does. However, during this time, I thought, hey, there has to be a brighter way of looking at this curse. Why yes, I do believe there are a few...

1) An excuse for irrationality <-- granted I hate using it as an excuse.. but hey, one can't mess with raging hormones.. then again, I'm perfectly irrational without the help of hormones, thank you very much.

2) Black Forest Chocolate cake for dinner <-- c'mon. when else can you not feel guilty for the amount of ass you are gaining when scarfing down this baby?

3) Laziness <-- a couple of days before, you just get so tired and unmotivated that no amount of push and shove would do any good. but it's okay. You have a reason. You're just PMS-ing.

Hmm... I guess it's not a very long list. There's probably more. But I am listening to Izrael Kamakawiwo'ole crooning "Somewhere over the rainbow" and it's settling down my active brain....

ahh... zzzzzzzzzzz

Signs of Aging

I never thought this day would come. But sadly it did. My friends, whom I've known since elementary/middle school days, and I were talking story. Just like old times. Except the topic was far from the carefree topics of... well God knows who even remembers what we talked about back then. But I know what we talked about today. INVESTMENTS! Freakin' investments. I felt like I was in a sitcom.. the kind I watched when I was younger, getting an "insight" into adult lift. Now this is my reality check. Wake up, Faye! You are an adult! There's no more "when I grow up I wanna..." moments. This is it. This is your life. What are you gonna do with it?


Hmm.. this situation reminds me of a Switchfoot song. Funny that they pop out during my pensive-about-life moments...

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Angel Hair

My sister came up with this nickname one weekend upon seeing a guy with the prettiest blond curls ever. However, I had to give this name to someone else. And he is so adorable that he deserves an entire blog about him. No, it's not a new hot guy I'm seeing. (Damn it lol). JK! Actually, it's a student in my class. And no it's not like that creepy way you're probably thinking. Oh great Faye, you work with kids long enough..... ermm.. yea, no.

Anyway, I'm usually not one to have favorites. At least I try very very hard not to. But this kid. Man, he wormed his way into my soft spot with his red chubby cheeks and curly brown hair. He cries and it breaks my heart. I'm like.. Faye, be objective. You can't just give in to what he wants because he's too cute for his own good. Or can I? I rule my class right? Wait, no! That would be counter productive!

So anyway... how was your day?

gardens and circus and vampires oh my

This whole week could be summarized by those three things.


Firstly, I discovered the world of Twilight last Thursday and in 5 days managed to finish all 4 books in the series. I was lucky the last book came out Saturday. Talk about perfect timing. Since then, I can't seem to get the world out of my mind. It's as if it's real but also in knowing that it isn't past of me sort of longs for that make believe to be real. Anyway, yea... I'm sure once the movie comes out I'll be rid of this slight obsession. ;) after all, the guy who plays the "hero" in the book is younger than me, so you can't quite fall for that :-P



Aside from obsessing over a story (it's been a while so cut me some slack lol), I've gotten back into fixing my garden since I want to make it beautiful for my pool party next week. More on that here: http://serendipity-garden.blogspot.com/
this is a picture of the flower i added today, not from my actual garden


And last night I got to see Cirque du Soleil with my sister. It was Saltimbanco. Considering the slightly mystical stories I've been reading, the world of Saltimbanco fit right in with the theme of the week. It's bright colors, quirky characters, and heart-stopping feats were entertaining. I can't believe at one point the trapeze artists were not even harnessed! The clowns were also the best. They interacted with the audience in the beginning and one guy got his shirt taken off. lol it was funny. i'm glad he was a good sport about it.


okay, that's it. gotta go. :) have a good weekend.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"

Stop everything!

That's the exact thing that went through my mind when I first heard Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl". Granted, I was driving so there's only so much stopping I could really do without a red light.

But yea.. I don't really know what to say considering how there are many songs out there about partying, kissing, sex.. and in heterosexual minds we never really think whether it's a boy or girl but simply by default would conjure an image of our attraction. So now there is a song without a doubt of a girl singing about another girl. Interesting. Not making a judgement whether bad or good. Just interesting. I'm sure the guys love this song. :) After all, it's like inherent for most boys nowadays to picture threesomes. Sign of the times, I guess. Although apparently in the 90s someone else wrote a song like this.

Anyway, at the end of all pondering, it doesn't really matter what deep nonsense come up in my head. It's a catchy tune. And I'm sure it's getting the singer some attention.

http://www.spinner.com/2008/06/25/rockin-gay-moments-katy-perry/

A Midsummer Day's Dream

The summer solstice is upon us once again and I am being one with the nature, sitting in my backyard, typing on my computer. Hey. It's the best of both worlds. The robin chirps, the scent of my jasmine plant fill my nostrils, and the bright gaze of my computer entertains my brain synapses.

I've been getting so much more into gardening so this little backyard retreat is the perfect place to relax on a sunny Saturday. For more info on my garden, check out http://serendipity-garden.blogspot.com. Yup, it gets its own blog. That's how obsessive I've been with it. That and my credit card bills of over $250 for garden crap like plants and mulch. I finally know what the purpose of mulch is!

Besides being overjoyed with my sense of productiveness, just the mere satisfaction of this little garden of Eden is enough. Everywhere I look is green or colored by some pretty flower I spent a couple of bucks in. There's also a blackberry tree, (as I now realize) in my backyard where this adorable chipmunk loves to munch from every day. It reminds me that I can find some natural beauty in this little sector of my universe. Granted it can't compare to Hawai'i.. but hey, I'll take what I can get.

This summer, I totally plan on not taking every sun-filled, hot day for granted because in a couple of months, I'll be back to wondering why the hell I came back to the mainland.

Oh yea, I'm back to having almost chronic bronchitis again. Gee, and I've so missed it the last 2 years.... :-P

Mad Money

Just watched the movie. Lesson relearned.. "When you get greedy, that's when you get caught." Not like it's a lesson I know from experience, mind you. But after watching countless movies and reading many stories.. you do notice this trend. Just like in this movie.. they began just to get some money to start with but then this one lady was so used to having a high lifestyle that she couldn't stop. And eventually, they got sloppy. Or a couple of them got sloppy. Of course, since it's a movie, all's well that ends well. But realistically, noone could get away with that.

In any case... the bigger lesson to learn is just to be good with the money you have. And if you have lots, don't spend it so blatantly cuz then people will be after you. :)

lol okay this is a rambling blog, but whatever. I just spent freakin 3 hours scrapbooking!

Recount

HBO came out with a movie about the mishap during the 2000 election. So far I'm liking it. But then again, since I wanted Al Gore to win, I guess you can say I'm biased. I'm sure Bush supporters won't agree. Then again, it is 8 years later and Al Gore got the Nobel Peace Prize while Bush is sending our country on the brink of recession, killing our young men and women out there in the middle east and has the lowest approval ratings ever. hmmm... I'm hoping some of those supporters changed their tune by now.

Anyway, I have to share that I love this person's description of the movie:

Hey, remember that fiasco that happened back in 2000, when we elected Al Gore as president but got George “pretend cowboy” Bush instead. Well, now you can relive that moment on May 25th with the HBO film Recount starring Kevin Spacey, Dennis Leary, Laura Dern and Tom Wilkinson. What a great cast! I can’t wait to see how they’ve portrayed my home state at the moment we fucked up the world.

from http://www.sirened.com/hbos-florida-recount-movie

Sign of the Times

Due to the rising gas prices, a smart car company decided to create a promotion to get customers buying their cars. They offered $2.99/gallon of gas for 3 years if you lease on of their vehicles.

In addition to car companies being creative in attracting people, hotels and other travel businesses have to accomodate for the poor economy. So, they priced their products so that you can use your stimulus money in order to pay for a family vacation.

I'm curious to see what other things people will come up with so that we'd spend our money on them.

An interesting star finding

Link to Article and source of picture

Just had to put it because my nerdiness was fascinated with this :)

Gold

Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver and the other gold.


A cute little ditty taught to young'uns. But it's so true.

I was fortunate enough to share an hour with one of my close friends since high school before she left the country again.

Throughout our friendship we'd shared a lot of things, especially gossip about boys. ^_^ We also were lucky enough to go to college together. I remember times when I'd give her advice about this and that. I guess it seemed that I had more experience. I dunno. Mostly it's because I went through mistakes I wanted people to avoid, so I shared.

Tonight was a very good change. I was the one coming to her with my tangled life. It's great to see how much wiser she's grown and I am inspired. We've barely shared contact since I left for Hawai'i and she for the Caribbean, and many things have happened in our respective lives. And out of her experience she grew in her faith and into herself... something that I still find myself struggling with daily.

It's funny that I found it easy to do those things in Hawai'i and now that I'm back, I've sort of gone back to my old self, but not because I can't and am therefore stuck at this odd point in life where I can't seem to move forward in any direction.

Anyway, am I even making sense? It's getting late. Better hit the sack.

All in all, today was a good day. Thank you, Lord for the blessings of old friends.

Remorse

A child threw their shoe at me today. Not a pretty big child. To be precise, she just turned three. And somehow, today, I had made her angry enough to have her take her shoe off and chucked it at my back.

I don't even know what to think about it now, though I was absolutely pissed the moment I realized what she did. She was already in time out prior to the shoe throwing. So when she did that and I turned around with a look of anger in my eyes.... man. I don't think I've ever reduced her to uncontrollable sobs that fast. She knew she was in for it. I barely had to do anything or say anything but direct her back to time out. I could barely reprimand her over the hysterical crying emanating from this little kid.

It's funny how a lot of times, I can be just like that little kid. Impulsive to a point of irrationality. Testing my limits without thought to consequence. Until that "Oh shit" moment when you realized just how far you pushed it.

A lot of times, I do that with my relationship too. Letting my own anger get the best of me. Speaking words I don't really mean just to get a reaction, just to push people to a point because if I am upset, then I am beyond the point of caring. I'm an instigator through and through.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a malicious person by nature. But when I'm tired (as I am usually after a stressful day at work), I'm extremely volatile. Uncharacteristic of earthy capricorns.. but i guess i get that from my dad's spanish side. pseudo-drama queen.

Aiya. It's funny just to relate myself to my kids. But maybe I should be aware of that connection so that I could go a little easier sometimes. But then, my easiness usually has then walking all over me.

Oh, in case you wonder about the kid. She sat down on her own will, still crying and my assistant urged her to apologize and she came over and gave me a very wet hug. She is really very sweet. She just has quite the temper. Even after forgiveness, she still cried a good 10 minutes afterwards... though when a kid gets near her, she'd try to whack them. Reminds me of how I still beat myself up over things for eons after the fact and snap at people who get near me during that time. :-\

I hope we both have better days tomorrow.

The One Jesus Loves

A couple of years ago, I came upon a book, "What's so amazing about grace?" by Philip Yancey. Not the old plain text version. But this bright yellow covered Visual Edition. What does that mean? So I picked it up.

It began by typing out the words "Amazing Grace" "How sweet the sound"
Then it had "That saved a wretch like me" with mother theresa, "Like me." with a line of old men and women and a line of young children. Then it had some things about Grace before it went to another "Like me" with a picture of a convicted murderer.

Grace is a funny little word that is bandied about by Christians to talk about how God is like and what we get from Him, but I don't think the half of us really know what it means for others and especially for ourselves.

The latter of that I had to examine as I turned the page and was faced with a mirror image of myself. Literally. They put a mirror on the book. Having just woken up, I look like absolute crap. But written underneath was "The One Jesus Loves". It's strange but I started to tear up. Granted I was already on the verge after reading through stories of people people in need of grace and how sometimes Christians get hung up too much on dressing right, using the right words etc. that we forget world hunger, violence, etc. Still yet, the page about "The One Jesus Loves" hit me the most.

It's a strange thing that people wouldn't think or even I wouldn't think about me. But I have a hard time with grace. One of my biggest faults is that I am incapable of making mistakes. Not in the sense that I don't make them. But I don't really know how to make them because of fear. Therefore, I'd either use a preventative method and not do it if I know I'll screw up or feel really absolutely guilty forever and ever about it.

So when I saw myself in the mirror for the one jesus loves.. I couldn't look at myself. I am far from perfect. I am far from being anywhere close to how Jesus is like. I am extremely judgmental and self-serving. I make myself feel better some days by thinking how much better I am than others. And I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. How the hell could I be the one Jesus loves?

I mean, it's so bad enough that in relationships with others, I have the fear that whenever I screw up, they'll just abandon me for someone less screwy. But I know that's not how love works. And because of God's love, technically that's not how He works either. So why can't I view myself the way they see me? Why can't I see that I'm the One Jesus loves?

Psychoanalytic blabber would probably caulk this up to my father leaving or other sad and sordid events in my youth. They might be right. But then again, it doesn't mean it can't be fixed.

I guess this is something I never realized I had to change about me. I sort of did, but it was not to this effect. :-\ Lord, help me to see myself as someone you love. Wretched as I may be, you see beyond that and love me as a human, with my failures. Thank you.

P.S. I highly recommend you get this book, "What's so amazing about grace? by Philip Yancey. If I know you and you wanna check it out, I'll let you borrow it. :)

Click

Finally, I watched Click through its entirety. And let me tell you, I was bawling my eyes out for this one! I knew that it was going to be sad. Everyone who has seen it would always point out that fact when I asked them about it. Considering what I figured the general plot of the story to be, I figured that's the only way it would end. I mean, c'mon. Fast forwarding through life? Any idiot would know it could only end in pain.

Still, even the most genius would still fall into the same trap of idiocy. I mean, take me for example. Yea duh haven't you ever heard of Faye the genius? :-P Okay, so maybe not. But I'd like to think of myself as the sort of person who gets that life is about having your family and relationships above status and wealth gains. Still, there are a lot of moments where I find myself fast-forwarding through life. No, I don't have a special remote. But, especially right now, I'm just looking forward for things to get moving to the part where it's supposed to get interesting. Maybe the part when I got a better job or the part that I'm married or the part when I'm getting my dream home. It doesn't matter. Mostly, things right now, compared to the last 2 years of independence and living life day by day, things... are pretty blah. Nothing unusual. Nothing to brag about. Seemingly, nothing special. Just life at its routine best of eat, work, rest. So my moind sort of zombies out for most of the day, just going from each task to the next. I feel like adam sandler's character a lot when I've finally stopped the fast forward and realize i totally don't remember what I did last week, or yesterday... or today for that matter. Life in auto-pilot.

I guess that's why I decided to watch the movie, even though I knew I'd cry. I'm getting tired of the auto-pilot. And as much as I do watch a fast-forward button, I know I'd regret it. Cuz right now is the last chance I have to live in my old home with my sister and grands. I need to savor this time with them as much as I can. I need to leave work where it needs to stay, at work. WHich I know is hard since I'm a teacher and work comes home.. but I mean more like the drama at my work needs to stay at work. I need to start appreciating this time as a single daughter, sister, granddaughter before I take on the role of wife because I'll be spending more years in that role than in this.

Ah, I think I'm writing on too far. You guys get the picture. So i'll end this. But if you catch me going onto auto pilot again, do me a favor... shake me out of it!!!

all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely smokers?

Apparently, some people in Minnesota found a loophole in the smoking ban. The ban disallows smoking in bars, unless it is part of a theatrical production, like a prop for actors. So, bar owners started to make playbills and encourage patrons to dress in costume and "act" in their play. One even put up a black curtain with a sign that reads "Stage Entrance" and under props, a stack of ashtrays. Mostly these "actor's" costumes consist of everyday clothing and act like they always do, with the exception of a few creative characters who add accents.

I thought this was completely insane. But in a good way. Granted, I am really against smoking because I have a very sensitive airway that has me producing unlady-like sounds when I smell strong and nasty things. However, I have to give them applause for their ingenious way of getting what they want. Some people look at themselves as activist who are kind of "sticking it to the man" when they do this, showing just how they feel about the ban.

Of course, the officials (whomever is supposed to monitor that the law is followed) are already cracking down on these fake productions. After all, regardless their actions, it doesn't change that second-hand smoke is harmful. I mean, that crap still sticks to you even when you go home and kiss your babies goodnight or drive them around in your vehicle the next day. But hey, it was fun while it lasted.

ban on silence

Welcome to the planet

Welcome to existence

 

Everyone's here

Everyone's here 

Everybody's watching you now 

Everybody waits for you now 

What happens next? 

What happens next? 

I dare you to move 

I dare you to move 

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor 

I dare you to move 

I dare you to move 

Like today never happened 

Today never happened before 

Welcome to the fallout 

Welcome to resistance 

The tension is here 

The tension is here 

Between who you are and who you could be 

Between how it is and how it should be 

I dare you to move 

I dare you to move 

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor 

I dare you to move

I dare you to move 

Like today never happened 

Today never happened

 

Maybe redemption has stories to tell 

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell 

Where can you run to escape from yourself? 

Where you gonna go? 

Where you gonna go? 

Salvation is here

- Switchfoot

----------------------------------------------------------

You'd never think that a musically inclined person from a very musically inclined family would ever stop listening or doing musical things.  But it's true.  For a long time, even before I moved back, I've just stopped listening to music unless it was there.  Kind of like a passive music listener.  I don't really notice it's absence and sometimes care not for its presence. 

You'd think that maybe it's because I don't like music.  Funnily enough, I do.  Music touches me.  It touches me so much to a point that it always affects how I feel so much.  So I don't listen to much music because I haven't really wanted to feel. 

Why?

Well, there's been a lot of negative and unhappy feelings welling inside me that I was afraid of coming out.  Kind of like the whole sh** hitting the fan effect, except with an intangible object like emotions.

Anyway, since I've realized this about myself, as part of the healing process, I am making sure that I listen to more music and allow myself to feel whatever I'm supposed to feel.  I'm also allowing myself to feel emotion when I watch movies.  Just basically a ban on indifference rather than simply on silence.

Wish me luck.  Perhaps if I am successful at this, I can find some semblance of normal in my sanity.  :)

crossroads

Not to be corny or anything, but I am standing in the crossroads of my life.  Though every time we are faced with decisions, they are also like crossroads.  This time though, it's been a major issue in my life.

Currently, I'm not happy with being back here.  Life feels stagnant and useless most days.  My job dissatisfies me and I miss my darling far too much.  It feels like I need to get moving on life.. get back on track with fulfilling my goals or at least get a better job.  Plus, my bf and I hate the long distance and in order to solve this, one of us has to move... most likely me.

So what are my choices?  Well, there's going to school and getting my masters.  Where?  Cali, Colorado or here?  Then, there's maybe getting a job in a public school.  Here or Colorado?  Should I even go to Colorado?  Blah.  What the hell.....

Okay.. I'm gonna help my sis with knitting...

the darnest thing about memories

why can't i get over you?  why can't i get over this?

the memories crowd my mind.  

and i miss the places, i miss just being there.  it is amazing that God never allowed our paths to cross considering...

monday all over again

it's funny how since moving back to the mainland, i've learn the true meaning of hating mondays.....

another day

all the days since greg left has been just plain depressing...

actually even longer than that.. all the days before he came were just as bad...

please let today be different.  i'm tired of being sad.

the art of introspection

something quite foreign to me these days.

it's strange because when i was younger, i could create an entire short story from a singular moment in time.  have i grown so jaded that the walls surrounding me are built thicker and i can't even get through to my own guarded home?  

this is my battle this coming year.  so far i've felt incomplete, empty... and am incapable of figuring out why.  perhaps if i could overcome the barrier and finally get to myself again, then it'll be easier to figure out the issue and then figure out the steps to solving it.

way to break a heart

"Mousie, do you miss Ms. Faye?"

I was finally able to catch up with my former assistant today.  We had a really good chat about the school I worked for and about my job now.  However, the biggest thing that hit me was her little anecdote on one of my little cuties from last year.

There was a mouse puppet I used during circle time whom I called Mousie.  They recently watched the Jim Gamble show like they do every year and the puppet came to mind.  She finally unearthed it and showed my former students.  One of them asked the question posted above.

Omg.  It's enough to make me cry.  I really miss my little ones from last year.  My job in hawaii was so much like a family that I got really attached to the kids more and to the parents and coworkers.  It's so hard not to think of them and miss them considering just how unfriendly the people can be at my work.  Or at least, how much they are not as open or sincere no matter how much my boss insists that we are a family.  Maybe mainlanders just have a different idea of how family is supposed to be.  

Anyway, that's my spiel for the day.  :(  I'm hoping to get to visit before the kids leave.  Maybe April.  I hope april.  We shall see...

on this, my quarter of a century bday...

all i can think of is how much i miss greg.  the last two weeks have been amazing.  but then all my minutes with him are amazing.  

Why did I agree to send him on a plane today?  By far the most depressing bday, though not for the usual reason of getting old.  

However, it ended on a good note with my students in hawaii and my former assistant calling!  and my friends from near and far sending me their wishes and a good old embarrassing restaurant birthday chant.  hurrah!

so 30 minutes left of my holiday.  i think it's time to be the old lady that i am and head to bed.