...you just can't understand how I could just kill a man

Just back from a concert at the Knitting Factory.  The main event was New Atlantic?  I think.  But my sister and I went there to see Charlotte Sometimes.  She has the same producer as Alfa, so I went with her to check out this artist.  

The one thing that struck me about her was her completely quirky stage personality.  Sadly, that's what it all is, a stage personality.  Her act had been planned since conception of her music and whatnot.  I guess that's kind of how artists have to be to get into the mainstream.

Still yet, I very much enjoyed that.  In a sense it kind of validated my own quirky personality.  Though mine is very much for real.  I noticed that the older I get the more of my quirkiness I let show.  But the world isn't really ready for quirky.  Everyone seems to need to be serious or grown-up acting, sounding, dressing.  I understand that.  Every now and then, I find the need to do that.  But most days, I just don't want to care.  

Honestly, I'd like to be understood as this weird person who gets fascinated with random things like the way the ink feels on paper or the way the light in the window plays tricks with your eyes.  I'd like to be able to smile and giggle without being judged as a ditz who's fake because of how overtly friendly I'm being.  I want to be able to hop and scream and skip and make random facial expressions or sounds without my intelligence or personality questioned.

But I guess things like that are really only accepted on stage, as part of an act.  No one can really be that strange because the world has to take itself that seriously.

hmm.. okay.. I don't know where this blog is going anymore.  time for a movie.  :)

longing

My heart feels such an empty little space.  As much as it's not so bad here, I find that I really miss being in Hawai'i so much.  It's a very strong but indescribable feeling.  As if I'm not so complete without being there.  

White Sandy Beach
by Willie Dan


I saw you in my dreams


We were walking hand in hand


On a white sandy beach of Hawai`i


We were playing in the sun


We were having so much fun


On a white sandy beach of Hawai`i

Sound of the ocean soothes my restless soul


Sound of the ocean rocks me all night long.

Those hot long summer days


Lying there in the sun


On a white sandy beach of Hawai`i


Sound of the ocean soothes my restless soul


Sound of the ocean rocks me all night long.

Last night in my dream
I saw your face again


We were there in the sun

On a white sandy beach of Hawai`i


On a white sandy beach of Hawai`i.

"old school"

Facebook has this movies quiz which assesses your knowledge of old school nickelodeon.  Just for kicks, I decided to try it and see just how much I did know.  I was faced with questons from tv shows whose very names bring me back to a time when watching TV ruled the schedule my life (which was mostly elementary and middle school) like Doug and Salute Your Shorts.  However, there were a couple of shows that were not familiar to me like Angry Beavers and Hey Arnold!  At least, not familiar in the sense that they would fall under my category of "new shows" since by the time they came out, my old favorites were mostly phased out and I was getting over watching cartoons on TV.  

It is strange to find myself aged like that.  After all, to someone younger than me (possibly the creator of the quiz) , those shows would not be new since they were still at the life phase that I had been when I watched the other shows.  

"Old school"  is definitely an adjective that is dependent on the perspective of the one who coined it.  

quotes from unknown movie

As I tidy up the room, I found a purple piece of paper with something scribbled on it.  I remember watching a movie on my black futon at the honolulu apartment.  Can't remember the title for the life of me, but I thought the quotes were nice.

"I've never seen how much in love you are with him until now."  "I'll get over it."

"Why would you wanna forget about the one thing you hope for from the moment you're born 'til the time you die?"

emptiness

I woke up today with the worst feeling of emptiness in my heart. The last 5 days, I was with my clone, my other half, my partner in crime. But today, I find myself tossing and turning in a lonely room and wake up to nothing but a gloomy day and no one to set it right. It did not help that I had a weird dream where I was with him.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I will get through this. I know I will. I know I have to. But I have no idea how. When we are together, life makes sense to me. We are each other's companion. And the first year of our relationship, we were exactly that as we went through surviving Hawaii together. Then necessity forced us into this long distance relationship where we live in our respective places feeling like we're not quite all there. Apart from each other, we are good people who can live to get through our lives. However, together, we are even better and life is more than just getting through the day, but is more fulfilling and fun and all those wonderful things.

We have a year and a half left until he graduates. From there, we will figure out how to be together. But this last half of a year has been torture. How will a year and a half get by?

I know the Lord has a plan for us. We both need to grow separately so He can do something in each of our lives. But it's hard to think that when all I feel is incomplete. I know I can make it through, but I don't see it being a happy occasion.

Greg, I miss you so much. :(

The Paralysis of Fear

One of the phrases that could be used to describe me is "control freak". Though I can be adventurous and spontaneous enough to move to clear across the country or go parasailing or climb down mountains, there are certain things that make me feel like I have no control over it and frighten me to pieces.

Case in point, yesterday I tried snowboarding. There was a Burton's Women's Center that taught a group of only women, so I figured, hey this should be so bad. The instructor took us 11,000 feet above sea level. Mind you, as for 36 hours before that I was on 32 ft above sea level. Plus had only gotten 4 hours of sleep. Still that feels like such an excuse right now.

Anyway, it was all well and good until we had one foot strapped on and the other had to go on it and we had to go down a slight incline. Then I realized just how slippery it was and started to be more scared than having fun. Still, I did it just fine. However, at the end of those, he had us climb with our snowboard strapped and with all the energy/breath exerted I was starting to feel a bit of altitude sickness as far as shortness of breath and tightness in chest thing. Still I kept going but I didn't have much presence of mind, so at one point I had a really bad fall and he sent me to get lunch before the others.

After I went back, everyone else had already had both feet strapped in at that point. When it was my turn to go down, I was so scared out of my mind that I started crying. He kept assuring me he won't let me fall but the sensation of slipping didn't bode very well for my control freak self.

All in all, I apparently didn't do too badly according to my teacher. Though maybe I am my on worst critic. He said I did them fine, but I just needed the confidence and then I'll do it. And also maybe if I didn't have trouble breathing when I walked around, I can do it.

When did I turn to such a fraidy-cat? But then, I've always been.. technically it's only lessened as I grew older.

Oh well, so now I am faced with a dilemma.. to go back up to this high mountain and try it again or call it quits for now until I get to a mountain with less elevation.

Back to the beginning...

Here on blogger.

One of my first medium for internet blogging. So many memories from my life typed into this. But I had grown weary of it. Don't really know why. I think much of it has to do with the fact that in my wisdom-less youth, I thought it better to write on a site that was easily accessible to certain people.

Those days have long gone. Nearing my quarter of a century, I often look back on the time I've lived before, the person that I was and wonder what has become of my childlike imagination and optimism and idealism. How is it that now I've turned into the rock with no desire or ability for expressing my inner longings and thoughts? The world has sucked the life out of me.

I want it back.