Teaching

Amidst the flurry of the classroom's chaotic routine: "She hit me!" "He took my toy!" "Ms. Faye, Ms. Faye, Ms. Faye!" and other such wailings, the easiest thing for any sane human being to do is take a deep breath and start banging her head on the wall.

Tempting. Very tempting. Still, after some exclamations of "Apologize to him!", "Return the toy!" "Get off the table!", one manages to put on a smile and then say with extreme pleasure, "YOU ARE GOING TO SIT IN TIME OUT!" There! That should do it.... but of course it doesn't. And the aggravation goes with a series of "NOOOOOO Ms. Faye" as they bodily throw themselves on the floor and proceed with their Broadway tears.

In this madness, the reason why a person would subject themselves to this torture becomes vague. Am I going through a masochistic phase? Are there other means of birth control? Is it worth the money? Oh wait. There is NO money.

Then a small arm links itself to yours and you look to see a child smiling at you like you are one of the most wonderful persons in the world. And another goes up to give you a big hug and insists "I wanna kiss your hand!" "Ms. Faye, I love you," declares another with the utmost sincerity.

Ahh... Now I remember why I'm here.

Remorse

A child threw their shoe at me today. Not a pretty big child. To be precise, she just turned three. And somehow, today, I had made her angry enough to have her take her shoe off and chucked it at my back.

I don't even know what to think about it now, though I was absolutely pissed the moment I realized what she did. She was already in time out prior to the shoe throwing. So when she did that and I turned around with a look of anger in my eyes.... man. I don't think I've ever reduced her to uncontrollable sobs that fast. She knew she was in for it. I barely had to do anything or say anything but direct her back to time out. I could barely reprimand her over the hysterical crying emanating from this little kid.

It's funny how a lot of times, I can be just like that little kid. Impulsive to a point of irrationality. Testing my limits without thought to consequence. Until that "Oh shit" moment when you realized just how far you pushed it.

A lot of times, I do that with my relationship too. Letting my own anger get the best of me. Speaking words I don't really mean just to get a reaction, just to push people to a point because if I am upset, then I am beyond the point of caring. I'm an instigator through and through.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a malicious person by nature. But when I'm tired (as I am usually after a stressful day at work), I'm extremely volatile. Uncharacteristic of earthy capricorns.. but i guess i get that from my dad's spanish side. pseudo-drama queen.

Aiya. It's funny just to relate myself to my kids. But maybe I should be aware of that connection so that I could go a little easier sometimes. But then, my easiness usually has then walking all over me.

Oh, in case you wonder about the kid. She sat down on her own will, still crying and my assistant urged her to apologize and she came over and gave me a very wet hug. She is really very sweet. She just has quite the temper. Even after forgiveness, she still cried a good 10 minutes afterwards... though when a kid gets near her, she'd try to whack them. Reminds me of how I still beat myself up over things for eons after the fact and snap at people who get near me during that time. :-\

I hope we both have better days tomorrow.

way to break a heart

"Mousie, do you miss Ms. Faye?"

I was finally able to catch up with my former assistant today.  We had a really good chat about the school I worked for and about my job now.  However, the biggest thing that hit me was her little anecdote on one of my little cuties from last year.

There was a mouse puppet I used during circle time whom I called Mousie.  They recently watched the Jim Gamble show like they do every year and the puppet came to mind.  She finally unearthed it and showed my former students.  One of them asked the question posted above.

Omg.  It's enough to make me cry.  I really miss my little ones from last year.  My job in hawaii was so much like a family that I got really attached to the kids more and to the parents and coworkers.  It's so hard not to think of them and miss them considering just how unfriendly the people can be at my work.  Or at least, how much they are not as open or sincere no matter how much my boss insists that we are a family.  Maybe mainlanders just have a different idea of how family is supposed to be.  

Anyway, that's my spiel for the day.  :(  I'm hoping to get to visit before the kids leave.  Maybe April.  I hope april.  We shall see...