I woke up today with the worst feeling of emptiness in my heart. The last 5 days, I was with my clone, my other half, my partner in crime. But today, I find myself tossing and turning in a lonely room and wake up to nothing but a gloomy day and no one to set it right. It did not help that I had a weird dream where I was with him.
To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I will get through this. I know I will. I know I have to. But I have no idea how. When we are together, life makes sense to me. We are each other's companion. And the first year of our relationship, we were exactly that as we went through surviving Hawaii together. Then necessity forced us into this long distance relationship where we live in our respective places feeling like we're not quite all there. Apart from each other, we are good people who can live to get through our lives. However, together, we are even better and life is more than just getting through the day, but is more fulfilling and fun and all those wonderful things.
We have a year and a half left until he graduates. From there, we will figure out how to be together. But this last half of a year has been torture. How will a year and a half get by?
I know the Lord has a plan for us. We both need to grow separately so He can do something in each of our lives. But it's hard to think that when all I feel is incomplete. I know I can make it through, but I don't see it being a happy occasion.
Greg, I miss you so much. :(
27 November 2007
24 November 2007
The Paralysis of Fear
One of the phrases that could be used to describe me is "control freak". Though I can be adventurous and spontaneous enough to move to clear across the country or go parasailing or climb down mountains, there are certain things that make me feel like I have no control over it and frighten me to pieces.
Case in point, yesterday I tried snowboarding. There was a Burton's Women's Center that taught a group of only women, so I figured, hey this should be so bad. The instructor took us 11,000 feet above sea level. Mind you, as for 36 hours before that I was on 32 ft above sea level. Plus had only gotten 4 hours of sleep. Still that feels like such an excuse right now.
Anyway, it was all well and good until we had one foot strapped on and the other had to go on it and we had to go down a slight incline. Then I realized just how slippery it was and started to be more scared than having fun. Still, I did it just fine. However, at the end of those, he had us climb with our snowboard strapped and with all the energy/breath exerted I was starting to feel a bit of altitude sickness as far as shortness of breath and tightness in chest thing. Still I kept going but I didn't have much presence of mind, so at one point I had a really bad fall and he sent me to get lunch before the others.
After I went back, everyone else had already had both feet strapped in at that point. When it was my turn to go down, I was so scared out of my mind that I started crying. He kept assuring me he won't let me fall but the sensation of slipping didn't bode very well for my control freak self.
All in all, I apparently didn't do too badly according to my teacher. Though maybe I am my on worst critic. He said I did them fine, but I just needed the confidence and then I'll do it. And also maybe if I didn't have trouble breathing when I walked around, I can do it.
When did I turn to such a fraidy-cat? But then, I've always been.. technically it's only lessened as I grew older.
Oh well, so now I am faced with a dilemma.. to go back up to this high mountain and try it again or call it quits for now until I get to a mountain with less elevation.
Case in point, yesterday I tried snowboarding. There was a Burton's Women's Center that taught a group of only women, so I figured, hey this should be so bad. The instructor took us 11,000 feet above sea level. Mind you, as for 36 hours before that I was on 32 ft above sea level. Plus had only gotten 4 hours of sleep. Still that feels like such an excuse right now.
Anyway, it was all well and good until we had one foot strapped on and the other had to go on it and we had to go down a slight incline. Then I realized just how slippery it was and started to be more scared than having fun. Still, I did it just fine. However, at the end of those, he had us climb with our snowboard strapped and with all the energy/breath exerted I was starting to feel a bit of altitude sickness as far as shortness of breath and tightness in chest thing. Still I kept going but I didn't have much presence of mind, so at one point I had a really bad fall and he sent me to get lunch before the others.
After I went back, everyone else had already had both feet strapped in at that point. When it was my turn to go down, I was so scared out of my mind that I started crying. He kept assuring me he won't let me fall but the sensation of slipping didn't bode very well for my control freak self.
All in all, I apparently didn't do too badly according to my teacher. Though maybe I am my on worst critic. He said I did them fine, but I just needed the confidence and then I'll do it. And also maybe if I didn't have trouble breathing when I walked around, I can do it.
When did I turn to such a fraidy-cat? But then, I've always been.. technically it's only lessened as I grew older.
Oh well, so now I am faced with a dilemma.. to go back up to this high mountain and try it again or call it quits for now until I get to a mountain with less elevation.
20 November 2007
Back to the beginning...
Here on blogger.
One of my first medium for internet blogging. So many memories from my life typed into this. But I had grown weary of it. Don't really know why. I think much of it has to do with the fact that in my wisdom-less youth, I thought it better to write on a site that was easily accessible to certain people.
Those days have long gone. Nearing my quarter of a century, I often look back on the time I've lived before, the person that I was and wonder what has become of my childlike imagination and optimism and idealism. How is it that now I've turned into the rock with no desire or ability for expressing my inner longings and thoughts? The world has sucked the life out of me.
I want it back.
One of my first medium for internet blogging. So many memories from my life typed into this. But I had grown weary of it. Don't really know why. I think much of it has to do with the fact that in my wisdom-less youth, I thought it better to write on a site that was easily accessible to certain people.
Those days have long gone. Nearing my quarter of a century, I often look back on the time I've lived before, the person that I was and wonder what has become of my childlike imagination and optimism and idealism. How is it that now I've turned into the rock with no desire or ability for expressing my inner longings and thoughts? The world has sucked the life out of me.
I want it back.
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